Look again at the triangle. What goes into each corner for you? I expect that right now, all three sides look very empty.
Repairing the Triangle
So what can you do? It’s time to focus on those first steps. Which part of the triangle collapsed on you today? Move on to another corner. You will not be able to repair that one today; you’re simply too close to it. You can come back to it later, but for now, look at the other two corners. These are the support you need, and the support that’s missing if you’re here reading right now.
Below I offer some of my own, general suggestions to help guide you in this process. They are by no means the solution to every problem, and I strongly encourage you to do this with someone. Go to the resources page to find numerous ways to contact someone to help you, be it an anonymous phone call or a counseling visit.
The Spiritual
It doesn’t matter if you’re religious or not, spiritual or not. We all have some purpose in our life -- something we are able to offer the world that others cannot. It probably feels minor right now. You’re probably saying “I have nothing to offer.” You do. Maybe you write poetry, or sing. Perhaps you can draw (as you can see from my triangle, I certainly cannot!). You may have a particular skill set or work in a specialized field. Whatever it is, I want you to remember one thing -- no matter what specific things you do, there is no-one else like you on earth. Only you have your experiences and knowledge. There will always be someone better than you at a particular thing, but there is no one who knows what you know in the manner that you know it.
Your meaning lies in the unique combination of skills you have to offer, not simply your ability to do a particular thing well. Think on your life. How can you combine your skills to do something in this world?
Hopefully, something is coming to you. If not, let me offer the following. If you’re here, it is because you feel. Right now it’s pain, but in general, you are probably someone that feels more strongly than the people around you. If nothing else, use that. Maybe it’s time to volunteer somewhere for a day -- escape from your life and help at a soup kitchen. Volunteer at a hotline: your experience today makes you more qualified than most anyone to help someone else that may one day feel like you do.
The Relational
So how do you repair your relationships? Perhaps you've found yourself without many friends, or unable to meet new people. Maybe you've been told to go to more bars, or join a dating service, but you just don't want to. You feel like it isn't you. Well, if it isn't you, then don't do it. Often, the reason these things don't appeal to people or work for people is because they aren't right for those people. You want to meet people with similar interests and similar values. To do that, you need to engage in activities, with people, that you enjoy and consider of value. Perhaps the local community college has a night class in a subject you love. Is there an activity you enjoy, such as bicycling, bowling, or dancing? Join a local club with others that enjoy these activities.
The question should always be, what specifically you need to give you value in your relationships. Each person is unique in this respect, and only you can answer that question. Is it companionship you miss, or physical intimacy? Do you need someone to talk to, or just the gentle company of a cat or dog?
Remember that forming relationships is a process that takes time. Don't become frustrated if you find it taking longer than you hope. If you feel lonely, take advantage of the many talk lines available on the resources page.
The Material
It's important to realize that material support doesn't necessarily mean monetary wealth. Money provides unique power over your material world -- with it, you can buy comforts such as food, toys, cars, and computers. It certainly gives you power do do more things -- take trips, buy clothing, or go to the movies. But beneath it all is the need for something you value, and now is the time to discover what those things are. Do you go to the movies for the company, or is it the story you crave? Ask yourself why you buy each thing, and what the underlying craving is.
Why are we doing this? Well, right now you may feel trapped. Indeed, you may be at this site precisely because something happened to your material world -- perhaps a lost job or home. You may feel like you have no power left to fix your material world, that you are doomed to a life of misery without any ability to control your material surroundings. And to some extent you are right -- you have lost some control. (If you have suffered a severe material loss today, remember the earlier warning -- you will not be able to fix this today: you are too close. I suggest focusing on the other parts of the triad right now, and coming back to this tomorrow).
However, even with reduced control, you can still rebuild some of your material support if you understand what the underlying comfort really is. If it's a roof over your head, does a million dollar mansion really do a better job than even an overhang? No. The mansion certainly affords other luxuries, but if your priority is only shielding from the weather, they are the same. Discover what gives you joy -- perhaps you go to restaurants for the company of others. If so, a trip to a local restaurant might be in order. If it's late at night, maybe you'd prefer to be at the local 24-hour diner (for example Denny's), rather than sit at home alone.
Remember that now is the time to pamper yourself. Do you save ice cream only for special occasions? Well, this is a special occasion! You have tackled more in your life than you can deal with now. Enjoy whatever special treats (e.g., television, a food, a trip to the movies) you reserve for celebrations -- tonight you will celebrate getting through this incredibly difficult ordeal.
A Final Note
All of the suggestions here are just that -- suggestions. They are intended to help you start your journey out of this abyss, to start thinking in the direction you need to go in order to repair your foundation. Nothing should be taken in excess, and I will not pretend (as many self-help books and websites often do) that there is a magic, easy cure for your pain. Pain is a signal that something is indeed wrong, and that it is time to repair it.
Right now you only have the energy to take a small step -- don't try to do to much all at once. Start a journal. Keep track of your progress. It is easy to hit a snag and feel like there is no hope. Look back at the journal. See how far you've progressed since this moment -- that you did work your way out of the misery, and started the long but fruitful trip toward a happy life. I wish you all the best on your journey, and have great faith that you can do it if you try. |
