What's happening to my loved one?

Someone you love, be they a friend or family member, is hurting right now. I encourage you to look through the other portions of the website if you have not done so already, to better understand how they have lost all sense of support and meaning. All of us have this foundation -- this need to support ourselves on three levels: the spiritual (personal and self-worth), the relational (worth through others), and the material (worth and comfort from the material world).

If you know someone who is contemplating suicide, they are probably suffering on all three fronts. You probably even see support in their lives -- wonderful things they simply don't see, right? Remember that each person has different values. While we all share this need for support on all three fronts, not all of us obtain that support in the same way. Your friend might have a nice car that you would derive great pleasure from; for them, it may simply be a transportation system.

What can I do?

Listen. More than anything else, your friend needs someone that will pay attention without judging. Recall that their sense of outside support is dwindling, and sense of self nearly non-existant. Telling them that their feelings are wrong will only seperate yourself from them, while simultaneouly decreasing their sense of self even more. Resist your urges to say "everything is okay" -- again, this simply diminishes further any sense they have left that they are still in some control and have an ability to change things. It is not okay -- they want to die.

Instead, pick up on what you see as "okay." Try and find the underlying nugget of truth; the underlying factor that can give your friend something to hold on to. Save this for later, after you've had time to listen, and allowed them to know you care -- that they are of value in your eyes.

Acknowledge their pain. Help them understand that it is real, and that it is okay. Again, be weary of judgement. Suicide is what happens when we feel totally out of control, unable to do anything. Don't take that from them. Don't tell them suicide is not an option (further taking their choices), but rather stress that suicide is an unfixable option (maintaining their choices). Stress that by commiting suicide, they can never take that back -- that they would be, in effect, losing all control of the situation, forever. Now is the time to point out, subtley and lovingly, that you see some good in them, and see some options you can try with them.

Reflect their feelings. One of the most powerful tools at your disposal is the ability to not only listen, but reflect back what you see. Frame their problem in terms they can more easily digest during the crisis. Even the most self-reflective person loses any objective sense of self in the midst of suicidal crisis. Help them see how what they lost fits into the Triad model described in the Help Me! section of this site. Ask them if they'd like to look at one of the other aspects of their foundation for a moment (after sufficient time is spent understanding the problem and talking it through with them).

Ask about their plans and thoughts. Be open without being judgemental. Find out if they were thinking of doing something tonight, what they planned to do, and why they chose that option. This will often help you understand much better exactly why today's event hurts so badly, and will provide you with information to help keep your friend safe.

Guide them to safety. Help them come up with a plan to keep themselves safe tonight. and a more long-term plan to rebuild their foundational support in the coming days. Helpful plans for the evening may include simply watching television, writing in a journal, or playing music. If they plan to hurt themselves tonight, help them keep the home safe. Find out if they have a gun, and ask if you can keep it in a safe for the night. Remove razor blades if they are tempted to cut. Ask if there is any medication you can remove to reduce temptations (without sacrificing their health! Be weary of flushing expensive prescription drugs down the toilet that they otherwise need regularly for their health. Instead, you may want to leave them with only enough for the night, and return the next day with the morning dose). Keep them in-the-loop if possible -- remind them that they are still in ultimate control of their lives, and should be part of this process of saving it.

What if I still can't get through?

Often, even after sitting and listening, there is little you can do to save their life. Suicide is ultimately their choice, and you can only do whatever is in your power to try to save them.

If they are in immediate danger after you speak, call 911. Your friend will be taken to the hospital for a 3-day hold, and then let out. Please know that this is a traumatic event, and depending on health insurance, a potentially expensive one. While calling 911 is certainly preferable to a sucessful suicide, please don't take this option lightly.

A Final Note

People often ask about "Suicide for attention." While this is not unheard of, even then you can take this as a sign that something is wrong -- something is hurting that person. At the hotline, we have a policy of taking all suicide threats seriously unless proven otherwise. This is a good stance to take. "Suicide for attention" often means that the relational support has broken down in that person's life. If so, you can still help by focusing on rebuilding a functional relational base with them, and if it comes out that the threat was not real, stress how important it is that they be careful -- recall the boy who cried wolf!

A particular special case of this is the lost lover that threatens to kill themselves if you do not return. It is extremely important that you do not reinstate your relationship in order to prevent their suicide. You must remember that suicide is ultimately their choice, not yours. Any relationship started in this way will only lead to even greater pain and disappointment on both sides. Do offer your support in any other way you feel appropriate. Talking on the phone about their feelings, or helping them find loved ones they can rely on to aid in their recovery. Very likely they have used you as their support in lieu of all other support systems, and now find themselves empty. Help them find again their sense of self-worth, value at work, and value in the eyes of their family and friends. Remind them that your relationship is not necessarily about their value as much as incompatibility between the two of you.